I am who I am

These days I feel unbothered, it’s like the pressure I once felt has left my body. I am in a place where I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am aware that one day it will shine on me. However, I am no longer eager to get there like before. The eagerness drove me insane. I was a ball competition and I lost every time. I love the new me. I love the way I go to bed not thinking of how to impress anyone apart from myself. I love the way I wake up not worried about what the world would think or how they will react to me. These days I am consumed by the need to write and I do so with gusto, not caring how it will be received or perceived.

I got tired of people dictating my life. I got tired of seeking affirmation. I put innocent people under the pressure of making me feel good about myself, knowing fully well that no one has it all together. I have realized that whatever I see is a façade of something deeper. I am no longer burdened by someone else’s success. I was never jealous of their victories, it just made me remember my losses. I unfollowed everyone who made me feel less than who I am, not because they wronged me but because my heart constantly ached. It felt like compared to them I may never be good enough. However, Visual perception births deceit and humans are so easily enraptured by fairy tales. I had to work on myself so that I could see through colors into the time when it was black and white.

These days I inspire myself, searching within the corners of my heart to conjure up what I know speaks to me and speaks about me. I spill words conscious that there cannot be cleaned up and I laugh out loud conscious that my soul is being cleansed by that very action. I am intimate with myself. I learn about me every day. I have learnt to speak the truth to myself knowing that I can hide from the world but in the end, I will be sought out. Not by the humans who parade the earth with guns and knives but by me. I cannot hide from myself. I cannot run from myself.

I do not miss the urgency to create and I do not care for those who try to rush me. I am not in a haste and my path has forever been my own. Whoever I will allow into my life would learn and live by these words. Only then can we be equals because “show me your friends and I will show you who you are”

I am who I am; made up of history, made out of memories  made by the hand of God and  I am good enough for me

-Amba

 

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