Know Thyself

There is an infinite number of ways I could be spending my free time which can be elating. Let’s go through them, shall we?

-Constantly on the social side of life and its various media outlets. I socialize to a degree just like the average millennial, but for the sake of passing across this message, let’s just say I can build a different life on social media and constantly live there so much so that it becomes my reality.

-Possibly wrapped in the arms of a man who I probably won’t text again in a week. Add, drop, repeat. Just like classes, but with men. Doing the things that men and women do when they are together, and she tells him to go make sure the door is locked.

-Sitting in a bar, drinking by myself as I watch strangers come and go. Some staggering unable to keep up with their weak knees, after having one drink too many. I could be an alcoholic but all that kneeling we had to do in high school as punishment from our “senior students” for disobedience or defiance really gave me bad knees.

– Staring at the moon, wondering if there’s really life on Mars. I know, it’s been proven that people can go to Mars. The question however is, can I take ice cream up there? If I can’t, there’s no use. I’ll sink with the earth, like Jack, to the bottom of the ocean. 

The last part sounds very much like me and I know people who prefer the comfort of their homes and their personal space will agree that there’s nothing more comforting than hanging out with yourself, by yourself.

Once in a while, I’ll get that “do you want to hang out text”. Most often, my answer is always a contemplative “I’ll get back to you” because the comfort of my bed and the company of my mind, body and soul is “hang out” enough for me. I know there are people who live far more interesting lives than I do, possibly because they are more extroverted than I am. Other than the fact that I’ll rather stay in than go out, I have a mild case of social anxiety. You could sum it up to me being an introvert and you’ll be hitting the jackpot of a huge sum of $1.

Growing up I rarely did anything extra to get me out of my quiet shell. I never bothered to make new friends, never bothered to laugh at a joke especially when I thought it wasn’t funny, which was all the time. I usually never liked being on teams because it meant having to associate with people and that freaked me out. Frowning was my go-to facial expression and It wasn’t because I had a responsibility to the fashion community, like Victoria Beckham. I picked horror movies over comedy and I preferred to sit by myself at functions. As you can guess, I had no friends, but I created chaos whenever I could. I got into fights and argued with people because regardless of the fact that I was abysmally anti-social, you couldn’t oppress me even if you tried. Diminutive for my age, but best believe the fire was mine to start and I always stole the rain from whoever wanted to quench it.

However, as I grew up, I realized laughter was not just a medicine for the body, it was for the soul and spirit too. I began to laugh as often as I could even though it was to me, as unnatural as forgiveness.  I even took it a step further by cracking a joke or two. Still, I remained the girl who would rather spend her nights alone; watching a series on Netflix, reading a book, writing poetry, or just dreaming about the stars. Don’t get me wrong, going out is fun and I do it when I can, but I like myself enough to spend time with me. 

I wasn’t always this comfortable with myself. I saw the way others lived carefree and it made me wish I was different. I wanted to be a bit more spontaneous and extroverted. I wished I was a bit more expressive, I wished I wasn’t so quiet and awkward. However, if wishes were horses, I would be a beggar riding on a horse in a very fashionable yet affordable fit. I used to feel so bad when people said I had to change, be more open, go out more and meet more people. I felt something was wrong with me because I never felt that innate need to be around people.

I have a great set of friends and my family is the best. They’ve been able to bring me out of my shell. In recent times, I have learnt to open up and share my issues as best as I can. However, I still deal with my pain, losses and wins on my own. I still keep a lot of things to myself. For this reason, letting people in seems hard but when I do, I don’t want them to leave. When they leave, it seems like they’ve taken a piece of me with them. Eventually, the feeling of loss goes away, and I’m left with my creativity and vivid sense of imagination to keep me company.

 I understand myself, I understand my lonely. I should not have to apologize for not being a certain way. Apart from the fact that my life is a lot more hectic than I planned it to be, I do make time for the people that matter. I know who I am and what I am capable of bringing to the table in terms of love, care, friendship and emotional support. If you do not have me as a constant being in your life, it is because I have nothing to constantly offer you. I do not believe in talking to a person every day to show that you care. If you need me, it doesn’t matter if we haven’t spoken in a while, if I can be of help, I will come to your aid.

It used annoy me when people called me predictable and inexpressive. These days, it bounces off me and returns to the sender. This fragile heart of mine is big, expansive and warm but sometimes people have to swim through glue to get to my core. I am who I am because of the choices I have made in life. I like who I am, I really do. Which happens to be huge coming from a lady who could not stand herself. I have met people with classic opinions of who they think I should be. These people who think they have the monopoly of all the knowledge in the world, most of them do not know themselves like I know myself. It’s more than fair if I do not possess the characteristics of what you desire in a human being. In fact, you are encouraged to use the left turn and keep at it until you reach your suitable human destination.

My two cents apart from the hundred cents worth of stuff i just wrote about is, spend time learning about yourself. When you do, you will not be easily influenced, and the opinions of others won’t matter. You will not feel guilty for being the way that you are. Live your truth and love your truth.

So, a book over a foam party? Yes please. 

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