So, everything you thought would happen this year didn’t happen, and you’re ashamed. You are not lackadaisical, you are hardworking and strong. At the beginning of the year, you chose to be successful, and indeed you were, at least for a while. But a few months down the line, the pandemic happened, and your life took a terrible turn. So, here you are, with nothing in your bank account. You are stuck at home, and the painful memories and behaviors you thought you outgrew came rushing back. You are left with a haunting past, a shattered present, and no prospects for the future.
People around you are soaring like eagles, but your wings were wounded in battle. You can not fly even if you had the strength to. You ran away from it all because you didn’t want to be pitied. When you achieved success, no one saw it, but the moment you lost, it felt like the whole world could see your shame and your pain. It felt like they were pointing and laughing at you. You did not see them make jests but you felt it, like needles pricking your skin. Everywhere you turned, even people you haven’t met seemed to be looking at you with familiarity, like they could see your failures.
Oh, you’re swimming through the red sea and it won’t part, no matter how many times you point your rod at it. It seems so much easier for others than it does for you. They seem to have it easy. They can dance, do a tutorial, play games, network, and get what their hearts truly desire. But you remember a time when you put in all your efforts and got minimal results at best. So, you’re weary, tired of trying, and failing. You want to give up. You sit in the dark, wishing for a miracle, knowing all along that if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
Your friends are trying to give you advice, but all you do is nod and agree so they would leave you alone. In your heart, you’re jealous, perhaps even envious of your friends who achieved their goals this year. The reality is that people want others to succeed but never greater or better than them. You’re not used to being the bottom feeder, the one who borrows, who cries, and who desperately needs a hug. Even when you failed in the past, you found a way to learn from it, but right now your brain is full of anxiety and regrets. It has no space to learn anything new. You want to be genuinely happy for others, but you just can’t, not when it looks like God has certainly forgotten about you. So you stop doing the things you once loved to do, and you leave the social scenes. You don’t even spend time with yourself anymore. You rarely look in the mirror because you don’t like the person looking back at you.
2020 has been a hard year and may not be the best judge of anyone’s character or true potential. But some people thrived, they broke the barriers and got out on the other side bigger and better. You don’t feel like you’re one of them. The little miracles that happened in your life may have not been true blessings because they didn’t last. It’ll be better if you were taken to the river and perhaps washed away. Maybe it would be better than being here, living in this hell, even though you made it to December in one piece. It is hard to get out of bed and brush your teeth because your brain can no longer process things the way it used to. You feel like if you try, even a little, your brain will explode.
You have to get up, put both feet on the ground steadily, take deep breaths, walk to a mirror, and look at yourself. Cry if you have to, but take a good look at yourself. Know the past is the past. Whether you failed or succeeded this year is not important. You survived, a lot of people did not get this far so, please, pat yourself on the back. What you do now does not rest on the shoulders of those who hurt you; those who didn’t choose you; the money that didn’t stay; the investment that didn’t pull through; the people you loved who passed away; the heights you didn’t attain; and the person you thought you would be, but are not. These hurts are real, and if it means anything, I validate that feeling of helplessness. Mostly because the part of the brain that remembers pain or even joy does not consider these situations as the past. That is why you can still vividly see them in your mind’s eye and weep or be happy. They’ll always be there, and it’s a good thing to remember, but what you should not do is give it the power to define who you become today.
Do the things you love to do for the simple pleasures of doing them. Throw your seeds to the North and the South, you don’t know when or where it will yield fruits. Don’t worry about being successful, work on finding the light inside of you. Do not feel sorry for yourself, feel empowered.
Listen to this song by Sia: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jrgbjk45lFA